Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Taking a look at the mess inside my head

Buy at Art.comUgh.

Should have known this was coming. It makes perfect sense really. You can’t set out on a path to change your life if you don’t know why you want to change and what you want to change to. (Self-censored comment here about emotional voting for “hope and change”.)

But being introspective has always been a struggle for me. It goes against my practical nature to ponder the whys of things. I’m usually too busy dealing with the hows to worry overly much about the whys. So here I am trying to confront the whys and be realistic about what I want out of life at this point.
  • Is it bad to not want the moon?
  • Is it bad to not want to be rich? (Maybe just anti-American.)
  • Is it bad to be happy with much of my life?
  • Is it bad to find it difficult to narrow down just what I’m unhappy with right now?
  • Is it bad to not know just yet?
How much do I hate this? How much do I want to avoid it? I actually spent time exercising rather than focusing on it. Not that I wasn’t thinking about it, but I was definitely in avoidance mode. (Even writing this post is an act of avoidance.) Why? Right. Answering that question requires more introspection. You’re not catching me that easily, folks.

But it’s a valid question. My easy answer, the one that seems most logical, is that I struggle with things that don’t have a “right” answer, a “correct” response. When you start getting all touchy-feely on me, the black and white tends to go out the door and the performance-based part of me starts to panic.

I’m here to change my life, right? At least the career parts that really need to be blown up and rebuilt. So I’m back to figuring out just what it is I want, what it is I hope to get out of life going forward. Wish me luck with this particular homework assignment! (And start your own!)
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